ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a nationwide alert concerning the epidemic infestation of Trump Derangement Syndrome following the release of the Mueller Report this weekend.
“The contagion is at extremely toxic levels. We have reports of emergency rooms across the country filling to full capacity with infected casualties moaning the words ‘Orange Man Bad’ repeatedly. We haven’t seen this level of outbreak since the 2016 election,” said CDC spokesperson to Mendaco Press.
(image credit Colin Hovde [Public domain])
ROME – Pope Francis yesterday blessed the 13 nation initiative led by the U.S. Federal Reserve to create a ‘global peace currency’ built on blockchain technology that would eventually replace the U.S. dollar in global markets.
“The concept of world peace has been laying heavy on the heart of the Holy Pontiff. This new global currency is one step toward uniting humanity into a borderless world. He enthusiastically blessed the brave initiative to promote world peace, especially in the Holy Land,” said Vatican spokesman to Mendaco Press.
The new blockchain currency touts strong encryption that will be backed with biometric data to make it the most secure currency in existence.
(image credit Zebra48bo [CC BY-SA 4.0])
LONDON – Wikileaks, international organization founded by Julian Assange that publishes secret information provided by anonymous sources, has obtained documents exposing the efforts of Silicon Valley tech giants working in tandem with U.S. Intelligence to undermine and eventually take down alternative social media platforms such as Gab and Minds.
“They are resolute in preventing what happened during the 2016 elections. Populist movements around the world are gaining strength through these alternative networks. To combat this, they are using proprietary AI technology and machine learning to surveil and eventually sabotage these platforms. They acknowledge the fact that they can no longer regulate the narrative through censorship and disinformation alone. Destroying these platforms is their only way to regain control. What they are planning is truly frightening. The world needs to know before it is too late,” said an anonymous whistleblower during an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
Gab and Minds have been gaining strength among those who promote free speech in the wake of recent social media censorship. Gab has recently unveiled a revolutionary free speech tool called Dissenter. It gives users the ability to add comments to any website without fear of censorship.
(image credit David G Silvers [CC BY-SA 2.0])
LONDON – British Prime Minister Theresa May has requested to meet with Nigel Farage, member of the Brexit Party in the European Parliament, to receive consultation concerning Brexit.
“I am at a complete loss. I desperately need his consultation. He has much more insight on this matter. As a globalist, I need to understand his perspective and vision. Unlike myself, Mr. Farage has Britain’s best interest at heart,” said Prime Minister May in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
Britain and the European Union are set to formally split before the end of the month.
(image credit Kuhlmann / MSC [CC BY 3.0])
OTTAWA – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has approved the construction of an Al-Qaeda training camp north of Montreal.
“Many of our Muslim youth in Canada are unemployed with no direction. Having an Al-Qaeda approved training camp will provide stimulating activities and improve morale for these youth. In addition, the camp will feature various obstacle courses that will benefit their physical fitness and health. We believe this is just another step toward turning Canada into a more inclusive and culturally sensitive environment,” said Trudeau in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit MSC / MCI [CC BY 3.0])
CARACAS – Jorge Ramos, anchor of the Univision news program Noticiero Univision, was forced to ‘dance like a chicken’ while interviewing Nicolás Maduro, President of Venezuela, in Caracas yesterday.
“You could tell the interview wasn’t going well. Maduro was visibly displeased. He stopped Ramos in mid-sentence and began yelling at him saying ‘You pathetic little b*tch! Do you know where you are? Do you!?’. Ramos looked stunned and was speechless. Maduro stood up and pulled out a .45 caliber pistol and pointed it Ramos. He then shouted at him saying ‘Dance like a chicken b*tch! DANCE!’. Ramos hesitated and then stood up and began to dance, bobbing up and down while flapping his arms,” said a cameraman with the Univision team in an exclusive skype interview with Mendaco Press.
Maduro ordered the seizure of the video and Univision equipment, including TV and phones, and detained the Univision team. They were released 2.5 hours later.
(image credit Gage Skidmore, Peoria, AZ, US [CC BY-SA 2.0])
LONDON – Milo Yiannopoulos, gay British provocateur, has offered to adopt the infant from Hoda Muthana, former ISIS bride now pleading to return back to the West.
“If she cares about her son’s future and can’t return, I’d be happy to adopt him. I’ll raise him up to be a good Catholic boy. I have many gay friends that have always wanted to raise a child. They’d be thrilled to help. I’d also change his name to Georgie Porgie. He’d have a great life,” said Milo in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
Yiannopoulos describes himself as “the most fabulous supervillain on the Internet” and a “lovable rogue”.
(image credit @Kmeron for LeWeb13 Conference [CC BY 2.0])
BERLIN – German Chancellor Angela Merkel was rushed to a local hospital after being severely assaulted by her Iranian boyfriend. Sources say she is recovering and is in stable condition.
“I don’t know what caused him to do this although I know I deserved it. He’s been oppressed his whole life. I can’t blame him. It’s only a part of his culture. I’ll just have to accept his behavior as a part of who he is and not judge him,” said Merkel to Der Spiegel.
(image credit Martin Rulsch [CC-by-sa 4.0])
RAQQA – ISIS clerics cheered when Democratic Representative Ilhan Omar from Minnesota went on an anti-Semitic Twitter rampage making claims that prominent pro-Israel lobby compensated lawmakers for their support of the Jewish state.
“We stand in solidarity with Ilhan Omar against the criminal Jewish state. We were surprised but overjoyed to see that we have an ally in the U.S. Congress. May Allah be praised,” spoke an ISIS cleric as reported by Al Jazeera.
Representative Ilhan Omar’s anti-Semitic tweets:
Ilhan Abdullahi Omar is a Somali-American politician serving as the U.S. Representative for Minnesota’s 5th congressional district since 2019. In 2016, Omar was elected to the Minnesota House of Representatives as a member of the Democratic–Farmer–Labor Party, making her the first Somali American elected to legislative office in the United States.
(image credit unknown, via article “The ‘futurist’ aesthetics of ISIS” CC-4.0 )
KIEV – Aloona Larionova, Ukrainian YouTube star, has officially changed her name with the Ukrainian Department of Vital Statistics and Civil Status to Brad 3 Mendaco Press has learned.
“As far as I know she has already submitted the paperwork, but like many things here, it will take months to get processed due to the slow bureaucracy. Even though it hasn’t been finalized, her friends and family are already calling her Brad 3,” said an acquaintance of Brad 3 to Mendaco Press.
Well known for her reaction videos, Brad 3’s YouTube channel has grown to nearly 400,000 subscribers. Lovingly known by her fans as the ‘Slav Queen’, she has appeared in many PewDiePie videos. Her physical appearance has been compared to Brad Woto aka Brad 1, one of PewDiePie’s video editors.