DOVER – Former Vice President Joe Biden has promised to select a ‘sexy young female’ as his running mate if he is chosen for the Democratic ticket in the 2020 Presidential election.
“I know I’m an old white guy but I’ll make you this promise; my choice for Vice President will be a sexy young female. You thought Michelle and Melania were young and sexy, just wait,” said Biden as he winked during an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit US Embassy, New Zealand [Public domain])
WASHINGTON – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has decided to enter the 2020 Presidential race if the Mueller Report fails to disrupt the Trump Presidency.
“If Mueller doesn’t stop Trump, I will. It’s my turn. Everyone knows that I deserve to be President including the DNC. With their help, I will easily become the Democratic candidate and defeat Trump. The Russians can’t save him this time,” said Clinton in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit Lorie Shaull [CC BY-SA 2.0])
AUGUSTA – Jeb Bush, second son of former President George H. W. Bush and former Governor of Florida, is begging for someone to challenge President Trump for the Republican ticket in the upcoming 2020 Presidential election.
“It’s not fair. He was mean to me. He doesn’t deserve to be President. Sure, the economy is great and ISIS has been defeated, but he hurts people’s feelings. We can’t just let this bully lead our party for another four years. Just wait, the Mueller Investigation will prove that he colluded with the Russians to steal the nomination from me, which I deserved,” said Bush in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit Marc Nozell, Merrimack, NH, US [CC BY 2.0])
BURLINGTON – Beto O’Rourke, the 46-year-old ex-Democratic House representative from Texas, declared his presidential candidacy yesterday. During his campaign speech, he made a bold assertion: We need to give Texas back to Mexico.
“We need to do the right thing. Texas doesn’t belong to us. It belongs to Mexico. The Alamo was a mistake. When I become President, I will give Texas back to Mexico. This will help alleviate our immigration crisis. Furthermore, giving Mexico the NASA Johnson Space Center in Houston will help Mexico finally build their space program which in turn will benefit all of humanity. Besides, we need more Mexicans in space,” said Beto during his campaign rally.
(image credit crockodile, Austin, TX [CC BY 2.0])
BURLINGTON – Bernie Sanders, the independent Vermont senator who finished runner up to Hillary Clinton for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination, announced today that he will again be running in the 2020 Presidential race. At age 77, many question if he will be too old to run.
“People are concerned about my age. They have nothing to worry about. I have consulted my Astrologer, Tarot Card Reader and Palmist. They all say I’ll live to at least 100. My Palmist said that my life line on my right hand was so long, I may even live to 120,” said Sanders in an interview with AARP.
If Sanders were to win, he would be the oldest president in U.S. history.
(image credit Nick Solari [CC BY-SA 2.0])
BOSTON – Senator Elizabeth Warren, 2020 presidential candidate, is recruiting Native American Nathan Phillips to write a song for her campaign.
“Hearing his singing and drumming took me back to childhood memories of rain dances by the fire on a moonlit night. I want to capture that spirit for my campaign. I’m very proud of my heritage,” said Warren at a campaign rally in Iowa.
(image credit Marc Nozell from Merrimack, NH, USA [CC BY 2.0])
NEW YORK CITY – Stephen Colbert, host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, has been making large campaign donations to the Trump campaign and Super PACs that support President Trump’s 2020 reelection.
“This may seem strange considering the content of our show, but we need Trump to win in 2020. In fact, we all are donating to his campaign. He is the only reason this show is still alive. We expected to be cancelled years ago but the 2016 campaign saved us. Without Trump, we don’t have a show. We’re just trying to save our jobs,” said one of the show’s producers to Mendaco Press.
(image credit The White House, Washington, DC [Public domain])
CHICAGO – Former First Lady Michelle Obama is considering a 2020 run for the Presidency. She hopes doing so could possibly ‘Cheer up Barack’.
“Ever since Trump was elected, Barack has slipped into a deep depression. He’s become very bitter. Any mention of Trump triggers him. He either shouts at the TV or gently sobs on the sofa as he clutches his favorite framed photo of Saul Alinsky. He’s become impossible to live with. I think the only thing that can cheer him up is for us to win back the White House, even if it means ‘playing second fiddle’ to me,” said Michelle while speaking at a meeting of Radical Women, a socialist feminist activist organization.
(image credit PO1 Class Mark O’Donald, USN [Public domain])