Tag: Satire

Jesse Jackson: Jussie didn’t do nothing

CHICAGO – Rev. Jesse Jackson asserted yesterday that Jussie Smollett is innocent of the hate crime hoax allegations and says the outrage surrounding his case is fake news.

“People need to stop harassing Jussie.  Ya’ll just want to hate on him because he’s a gay black man.  Nobody cares that his attackers are still out there.  Don’t forget, he’s the victim here.  Jussie didn’t do nothing,” said Jackson in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit United States Mission Geneva [CC BY 2.0])

Jake Tapper: CNN is still the most trusted name in news

ATLANTA – Chief CNN Correspondent Jake Tapper insists that CNN is still the most trusted name in news despite the latest controversy concerning the network’s coverage of the Mueller investigation.

“I don’t believe the ratings.  I see CNN more commonly on televisions when I’m in a waiting room or an airport than any other network.  People love us.  We are rock stars and our paychecks prove that regardless of what the stupid Trump supporters think,” said Tapper in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit nrkbeta [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Joe Biden: My choice for VP will be a sexy young female

DOVER – Former Vice President Joe Biden has promised to select a ‘sexy young female’ as his running mate if he is chosen for the Democratic ticket in the 2020 Presidential election.

“I know I’m an old white guy but I’ll make you this promise; my choice for Vice President will be a sexy young female.  You thought Michelle and Melania were young and sexy, just wait,” said Biden as he winked during an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit US Embassy, New Zealand [Public domain])

Jussie Smollett to sue Chicago for millions

CHICAGO – Jussie Smollett, actor in the Fox drama series Empire, plans to sue the City of Chicago for $250 million claiming damages to his reputation and emotional well-being caused by the false charges placed against him by the city.

“This is how gay black men are treated in America.  They wanted to throw me in jail.  This would have never happened to me if I were white.  I’m going to make sure Chicago pays for how they embarrassed me,” said Smollett in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit Dominick D [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Eric Holder: America sucks for black people

WASHINGTON – In a heated diatribe yesterday, former Attorney General Eric Holder asserted that it is time for white people to begin to pay reparations to black Americans for the years of oppression that they have perpetuated.

“America has never been great.  In fact, America sucks for black people.  White people use their privilege to enrich themselves while minorities in this country are given the short end of the stick.  It is high time that they pay.  We are going to take what belongs to us,” said Holder in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit HHSgov [Public domain])

AOC vows revenge over 57-0 Green New Deal rejection

WASHINGTON – Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) unleashed a fiery threat of revenge against those who opposed her Green New Deal during a House committee meeting on Tuesday, the same day the landmark environmental proposal failed to advance in the Senate with a stunning 57-0 rejection.

“Be very careful who you mock this day because it will come back to haunt you.  I don’t forgive and I don’t forget.  This day will live in infamy.  My progressive agenda will move forward with or without you,” said Cortez in her blistering response.

The final vote was 57 nays and 43 present.

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(image credit Senate Democrats [CC BY 2.0])

CDC: Trump Derangement Syndrome reaches epidemic levels

ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a nationwide alert concerning the epidemic infestation of Trump Derangement Syndrome following the release of the Mueller Report this weekend.

“The contagion is at extremely toxic levels.  We have reports of emergency rooms across the country filling to full capacity with infected casualties moaning the words ‘Orange Man Bad’ repeatedly.  We haven’t seen this level of outbreak since the 2016 election,” said CDC spokesperson to Mendaco Press.

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(image credit Colin Hovde [Public domain])

Keith Olbermann demands a Military Coup to topple Trump

NEW YORK CITY – Sports commentator Keith Olbermann, in response to the outcome of the Mueller Report, is demanding a military coup d’état to take the Presidency away from Donald Trump and give it to Hillary Clinton.

“It was her turn but the Russians stole it from her.  In fact, the entire U.S. government has been taken over by Vladimir Putin.  There is only one option left.  The military must use its power to take control of the federal government and install Hillary Clinton as President.  This is the only way we will be able to advance our progressive agenda,” said Olbermann from his secret bomb shelter during an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit The Resistance with Keith Olbermann)

John Lewis: We are impeaching his ‘orange ass’ regardless

ATLANTA – Civil rights leader Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) asserts that he is ‘hell bent’ on impeaching President Trump regardless of the Mueller Report outcome.

“I don’t give a damn what the Mueller Reports says.  Trump is going down.  We didn’t invest millions into this investigation just to leave empty handed.  Regardless of the evidence, we are going to impeach his orange ass,” said Lewis in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit LBJ Library, Emily Clack [CC BY 2.0])

Adam Schiff: Mueller is a Russian Agent

WASHINGTON – House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff believes that Special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation has been compromised stating that he believes Mueller is a Russian Agent.

“I believe Mueller is a Russian Agent who is taking orders directly from Putin.  There’s no other way to explain the outcome of the report.  I have no facts to support this claim.  I just feel it in my bones.  After you’ve watched as many James Bond movies as I have, you’d come to the same conclusion,” said Schiff in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

U.S. Attorney General William Barr, who received the report from Mueller on Friday, told lawmakers that a summary of the report would be available soon.

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(image credit Voice of America [Public Domain])