Tag: Satire

Al Gore pushes to criminalize Climate Change denial

ATLANTA – Former Vice President Al Gore is lobbying Congress to create legislation to criminalize Climate Change denial citing that those who deny Climate Change are worse than Nazis.

“Climate Change deniers should go to prison, period.  They are the enemies of humanity.  We need to get tough.  Taking away their freedom will get their attention.  They will conform to our ideology or else pay the price,” said Gore in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit Web Summit [CC BY 2.0])

Hillary to enter race if Mueller Report fizzles

WASHINGTON – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has decided to enter the 2020 Presidential race if the Mueller Report fails to disrupt the Trump Presidency.

“If Mueller doesn’t stop Trump, I will.  It’s my turn.  Everyone knows that I deserve to be President including the DNC.  With their help, I will easily become the Democratic candidate and defeat Trump.  The Russians can’t save him this time,” said Clinton in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit Lorie Shaull [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Kellyanne Conway reports husband’s Voodoo doll

WASHINGTON – Kellyanne Conway, counselor to President Trump, reports to the U.S. Secret Service her discovery of a ‘Voodoo doll’ in her home that appeared to be an effigy of President Trump.  She believes it belongs to her husband, George Conway.

“I went to the garage and I couldn’t believe what I saw.  Laying on my husband’s workbench was a Voodoo doll with pins stuck threw it that looked like President Trump.  I knew my husband hated President Trump and was jealous of my position in the White House but I never thought his feelings would motivate him to perform witchcraft,” said Conway in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

A Voodoo doll is an effigy of a target victim used in witchcraft into which pins are inserted to cause harm through magic upon the individual represented.

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(image credit Gage Skidmore, Peoria, AZ, US [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Cenk Uygur hospitalized, overdoses in laboratory

LOS ANGELES – Political activist Cenk Uygur, host of The Young Turks, has been hospitalized due to an apparent overdose in a research and development laboratory while testing a beverage formula that he invented in partnership with Kool-Aid, a Kraft Foods owned drink mix brand.

“Early testing of the formula revealed it’s toxic nature but he insisted on trying it anyway.  We warned him not to drink it but he wouldn’t listen to reason.  As he was sipping it, we could tell there was something wrong.  His speech became illogical and aggressive.  After a few moments, while in a heightened state of hysteria, he passed out and fell to the floor,” said the laboratory technician to Mendaco Press.

Uygur was rushed to a local hospital for treatment.  His condition is currently unknown.

(image credit Web Summit [CC BY 2.0])

Animal Cruelty Task Force raids home of Shane Dawson

LOS ANGELES – The Los Angeles Animal Cruelty Task Force (ACTF) raided the home of YouTube star Shane Dawson last night under the suspicion of animal sex crimes.

“I’ve been investigating cases such as these for over 20 years and I haven’t witnessed such a bizarre scene since the Manson Donkey Brothel of 1998.  I am not at liberty to offer more details since this is an ongoing investigation.  Although, I can say that we did rescue some of the animals from the premises.  We will provide more details as the investigation continues,” said the lead detective to Mendaco Press.

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(image credit Gage Skidmore, Peoria, AZ, US [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Don Lemon audio: ‘Hating white people is not racist’

ATLANTA – Leaked audio obtained by Mendaco Press appears to be the voice of CNN news anchor Don Lemon on a diatribe concerning white people.

“Hating white people is not racist… they deserve to be hated… it is only a justifiable reaction to centuries of oppression they have caused… they will pay for their sins… (inaudible) …our plan is already working… we are making sure that their guilt hangs on their necks until they are shamed into submission… the future of America is brown… not white,” said the voice in the leaked audio which appears to be the voice of Lemon.

Experts are currently examining the recording for authenticity.

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(image credit Neon Tommy [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Jeb Bush: Somebody please avenge me

AUGUSTA – Jeb Bush, second son of former President George H. W. Bush and former Governor of Florida, is begging for someone to challenge President Trump for the Republican ticket in the upcoming 2020 Presidential election.

“It’s not fair.  He was mean to me.  He doesn’t deserve to be President.  Sure, the economy is great and ISIS has been defeated, but he hurts people’s feelings.  We can’t just let this bully lead our party for another four years.  Just wait, the Mueller Investigation will prove that he colluded with the Russians to steal the nomination from me, which I deserved,” said Bush in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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(image credit Marc Nozell, Merrimack, NH, US [CC BY 2.0])

Beto O’Rourke: Give Texas back to Mexico

BURLINGTON – Beto O’Rourke, the 46-year-old ex-Democratic House representative from Texas, declared his presidential candidacy yesterday.  During his campaign speech, he made a bold assertion:  We need to give Texas back to Mexico.

“We need to do the right thing.  Texas doesn’t belong to us.  It belongs to Mexico.  The Alamo was a mistake.  When I become President, I will give Texas back to Mexico.  This will help alleviate our immigration crisis.  Furthermore, giving Mexico the NASA Johnson Space Center in Houston will help Mexico finally build their space program which in turn will benefit all of humanity.  Besides, we need more Mexicans in space,” said Beto during his campaign rally.

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(image credit crockodile, Austin, TX [CC BY 2.0])

Exclusive: Fox News to cancel Tucker Carlson Tonight

NEW YORK CITY – A leaked Fox News memo obtained by Mendaco Press reveals the future fate of the popular show Tucker Carlson Tonight hosted by political commentator Tucker Carlson in wake of the controversy surrounding the exposure of Carlson’s past ‘toxic’ behavior.

“We wanted to stand by Tucker but the pressure from our sponsors has been overwhelming.  The politically correct minority is winning this culture war.  Tucker will be missed by all of us here at the network.  This is a sad day for free speech,” said the leaked memo.

Rival networks cheered the news of the show’s cancellation seeing it as a victory in their effort to silence ‘far-right’ voices in the media.

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(image credit Gage Skidmore, Peoria, AZ, US [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Pope Francis blesses global blockchain ‘peace currency’

ROME – Pope Francis yesterday blessed the 13 nation initiative led by the U.S. Federal Reserve to create a ‘global peace currency’ built on blockchain technology that would eventually replace the U.S. dollar in global markets.

“The concept of world peace has been laying heavy on the heart of the Holy Pontiff.  This new global currency is one step toward uniting humanity into a borderless world.  He enthusiastically blessed the brave initiative to promote world peace, especially in the Holy Land,” said Vatican spokesman to Mendaco Press.

The new blockchain currency touts strong encryption that will be backed with biometric data to make it the most secure currency in existence.

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(image credit Zebra48bo [CC BY-SA 4.0])