Tag: Satire

Ann Coulter: I am voting for a Democrat

MIAMI – Political commentator Ann Coulter has vowed to not vote to reelect President Trump.  Coulter said she will be voting for the leading Democrat in the upcoming 2020 Presidential election.

“I thought the wall would be built by now, but Trump has let me down.  The only thing I cared about was keeping Mexicans out of my neighborhood.  But no, they are still here.  I’ll support Socialism, the Green New Deal and war with North Korea before I’ll vote for the orange man again,” said Coulter in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

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Leaked audio: Pelosi confesses to Trump fantasy

WASHINGTON – A leaked audio recording obtained by Mendaco Press appears to exhibit Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) revealing explicit feelings about President Trump.

“When he [Trump] walks in the room I just.. (sighs)… he drives me crazy.  I reach out to shake his hand and I get all flustered… I just want… (inaudible)… ya know I just… just want him to take me right there,” said a voice in the audio recording which appears to be Speaker Pelosi.

Experts are currently examining the recording for authenticity.

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(image credit US Department of Labor [Public domain])

Ilhan Omar tweet: ‘Make Gas Chambers Great Again’

WASHINGTON – Freshman Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) seems to have deleted yet another anti-Semitic tweet earlier this morning that stated ‘Make Gas Chambers Great Again’.

Gas Chambers

Omar, along with her appointment to the Foreign Affairs Committee, drew the ire of House Republican leaders because of multiple anti-Semitic tweets that she has since deleted.

Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) slammed Democrats in Congress for a recent congressional vote that she said “enabled” anti-Semitism when lawmakers didn’t specifically condemn recent tweets from Omar.

“It is absolutely shameful that Nancy Pelosi and Leader Hoyer and the Democratic leaders will not put her name in a resolution on the floor and condemn her remarks and remove her from the House Foreign Affairs Committee,” Cheney said. “Those people who won’t condemn it are enabling it.”

House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Eliot Engel (D-NY) said that he will not remove Omar from his committee over the anti-Semitic tweets since they have been deleted.

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(image credit Lorie Shaull [CC BY-SA 4.0])

John Kelly divulges details about the Trump White House

DURHAM – In an interview on stage at Duke University last week, former White House chief of staff John Kelly, who left the administration in January, divulged details of his observations while serving in the Trump White House.

“I consider my time in the White House to be the most important job I’ve ever held, although it wasn’t my favorite.  I did my best to provide the President with as much detailed information as possible.  As far as media, President Trump preferred Fox News although he would watch MSNBC at times to keep him ‘motivated’.  He would read the Wall Street Journal, New York Times and of course Mendaco Press,” said Kelly during the interview.

Kelly also indicated that he might have also accepted the job for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, had she won the 2016 presidential election and asked him to fill it.

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Wikileaks: Tech giants conspiring to stop Gab and Minds

LONDON – Wikileaks, international organization founded by Julian Assange that publishes secret information provided by anonymous sources, has obtained documents exposing the efforts of Silicon Valley tech giants working in tandem with U.S. Intelligence to undermine and eventually take down alternative social media platforms such as Gab and Minds.

“They are resolute in preventing what happened during the 2016 elections.  Populist movements around the world are gaining strength through these alternative networks.  To combat this, they are using proprietary AI technology and machine learning to surveil and eventually sabotage these platforms.  They acknowledge the fact that they can no longer regulate the narrative through censorship and disinformation alone.  Destroying these platforms is their only way to regain control.  What they are planning is truly frightening.  The world needs to know before it is too late,” said an anonymous whistleblower during an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

Gab and Minds have been gaining strength among those who promote free speech in the wake of recent social media censorship.  Gab has recently unveiled a revolutionary free speech tool called Dissenter.  It gives users the ability to add comments to any website without fear of censorship.

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(image credit David G Silvers [CC BY-SA 2.0])

Elderly man assaulted by angry mob at Women’s March

PITTSBURGH – During yesterday’s Women’s March to celebrate International Women’s Day, an angry mob of women assaulted an elderly man waiting at a bus stop in downtown Pittsburgh.

“If the old man got hurt, he probably deserved it for all of the years that he had oppressed women.  The Patriarchy has ruled long enough.  We don’t need men anymore.  We have enough sperm stored in Sperm Banks to build a new civilization.  The future is female!” said a female protestor to Mendaco Press.

The elderly man was treated by paramedics and rushed to a local hospital.  Sources say he suffered minor injuries and is in stable condition.

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(image credit Gillfoto [CC BY-SA 4.0])

Democrats: Increase gun purchase delays for ‘white males’

WASHINGTON – Congressional Democrats met on Capitol Hill yesterday to craft wording to be added to Congressional Bill HR 1112, Enhanced Background Checks Act of 2019, that would greatly increase delays for background checks specifically for ‘white males’ for up to 180 days or longer depending on the circumstance.

“We must take the safety of our children seriously.  We cannot have another mass shooting.  Statistics show that white males are the most likely to be radicalized by the alt-right and other extremist ideologies.  They are the most dangerous demographic in our society.  We need to do everything we can to hinder them from obtaining firearms.  We are adding provisions to the background checks that would be more robust in scope to include a query of social media and online activity.  This legislation will be a first step in moving our country forward into our progressive vision for a safer America,” said Congressional Democratic spokesperson during yesterday’s press conference.

House Judiciary ranking Republican Doug Collins of Georgia expressed great dissident to HR 1112 stating, “it places an unnecessary burden on buyers that could prevent law-abiding citizens from obtaining a firearm”.

It is unlikely that HR 1112 will pass the Senate, let alone be signed by President Trump.

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(image credit Senate Democrats [CC BY 2.0])

Exclusive: Mueller investigation finds ‘smoking gun’

WASHINGTON – The Mueller Investigation, Special Counsel investigation into the Russian government’s efforts to interfere in the 2016 presidential election, claims to have found a ‘smoking gun’.

“We noticed something very suspicious at the entrance of the parking garage on D Street near the US Navy Memorial Plaza late Wednesday.  We found laying on the ground between two parked cars what appeared to be a 9mm handgun… and it was smoking,” said one of the investigators on the Special Counsel in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.

It was later reported by local law enforcement that the evidence was related to a robbery of a convenience store in the area.  It appears to be unrelated to the investigation.

President Trump has highlighted statements by the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee that its investigation has found no collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign even as the panel’s top Democrat said that assessment is premature.

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(image credit Pete Souza [Public domain])

Jack Dorsey confesses to suppressing ‘non-credible’ tweets

LOS ANGELES – Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey confessed to suppressing tweets from ‘non-credible’ news sources when being questioned by Mendaco Press after yesterday’s interview conducted by Joe Rogan.

“Not all news sources are as credible as your organization.  After the 2016 election, we had to do something to make sure that these non-credible sources no longer had the power to sway public opinion as they did in the past.  To remedy the situation, we built internal algorithms to measure their trust level and throttle back anything we deemed to be fake,” said Dorsey to Mendaco Press after the interview.

NewsGuard, an app created to combat ‘fake news’, gave Mendaco Press the highest journalistic trust rating.  It joins a handful of other groups such as the Trust Project and the Journalism Trust Initiative which aim to help readers discern which sites are credible when many readers have trouble distinguishing fact from fiction.

 

Anderson Cooper to be crowned 2019 Mardi Gras Queen

NEW ORLEANS – Anderson Cooper, anchor of the CNN news show Anderson Cooper 360°, is to be crowned the 2019 Mardi Gras Queen at this year’s annual Mardi Gras festivities in New Orleans.

“We are so excited to see Anderson in the gown we’ve prepare for him.  It is absolutely fabulous.  We’ve been waiting all year for this event.  He’s sure to be the hottest Queen ever.  Of course we can’t wait for the best part, when we get to watch him strip it off,” said the parade costume designer to Mendaco Press.

The party officially ends at midnight, when police on horseback ride down Bourbon Street to ceremonially “clear” the street – a symbol meant to mark the end of the season.  Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, which for many Christians is a period of fasting and reflection ahead of Easter.

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