ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a nationwide alert concerning the epidemic infestation of Trump Derangement Syndrome following the release of the Mueller Report this weekend.
“The contagion is at extremely toxic levels. We have reports of emergency rooms across the country filling to full capacity with infected casualties moaning the words ‘Orange Man Bad’ repeatedly. We haven’t seen this level of outbreak since the 2016 election,” said CDC spokesperson to Mendaco Press.
(image credit Colin Hovde [Public domain])
NEW YORK CITY – Sports commentator Keith Olbermann, in response to the outcome of the Mueller Report, is demanding a military coup d’état to take the Presidency away from Donald Trump and give it to Hillary Clinton.
“It was her turn but the Russians stole it from her. In fact, the entire U.S. government has been taken over by Vladimir Putin. There is only one option left. The military must use its power to take control of the federal government and install Hillary Clinton as President. This is the only way we will be able to advance our progressive agenda,” said Olbermann from his secret bomb shelter during an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit The Resistance with Keith Olbermann)
ATLANTA – Civil rights leader Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) asserts that he is ‘hell bent’ on impeaching President Trump regardless of the Mueller Report outcome.
“I don’t give a damn what the Mueller Reports says. Trump is going down. We didn’t invest millions into this investigation just to leave empty handed. Regardless of the evidence, we are going to impeach his orange ass,” said Lewis in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit LBJ Library, Emily Clack [CC BY 2.0])
WASHINGTON – House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff believes that Special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation has been compromised stating that he believes Mueller is a Russian Agent.
“I believe Mueller is a Russian Agent who is taking orders directly from Putin. There’s no other way to explain the outcome of the report. I have no facts to support this claim. I just feel it in my bones. After you’ve watched as many James Bond movies as I have, you’d come to the same conclusion,” said Schiff in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
U.S. Attorney General William Barr, who received the report from Mueller on Friday, told lawmakers that a summary of the report would be available soon.
(image credit Voice of America [Public Domain])
WASHINGTON – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has decided to enter the 2020 Presidential race if the Mueller Report fails to disrupt the Trump Presidency.
“If Mueller doesn’t stop Trump, I will. It’s my turn. Everyone knows that I deserve to be President including the DNC. With their help, I will easily become the Democratic candidate and defeat Trump. The Russians can’t save him this time,” said Clinton in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit Lorie Shaull [CC BY-SA 2.0])
WASHINGTON – Kellyanne Conway, counselor to President Trump, reports to the U.S. Secret Service her discovery of a ‘Voodoo doll’ in her home that appeared to be an effigy of President Trump. She believes it belongs to her husband, George Conway.
“I went to the garage and I couldn’t believe what I saw. Laying on my husband’s workbench was a Voodoo doll with pins stuck threw it that looked like President Trump. I knew my husband hated President Trump and was jealous of my position in the White House but I never thought his feelings would motivate him to perform witchcraft,” said Conway in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
A Voodoo doll is an effigy of a target victim used in witchcraft into which pins are inserted to cause harm through magic upon the individual represented.
(image credit Gage Skidmore, Peoria, AZ, US [CC BY-SA 2.0])
AUGUSTA – Jeb Bush, second son of former President George H. W. Bush and former Governor of Florida, is begging for someone to challenge President Trump for the Republican ticket in the upcoming 2020 Presidential election.
“It’s not fair. He was mean to me. He doesn’t deserve to be President. Sure, the economy is great and ISIS has been defeated, but he hurts people’s feelings. We can’t just let this bully lead our party for another four years. Just wait, the Mueller Investigation will prove that he colluded with the Russians to steal the nomination from me, which I deserved,” said Bush in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit Marc Nozell, Merrimack, NH, US [CC BY 2.0])
MIAMI – Political commentator Ann Coulter has vowed to not vote to reelect President Trump. Coulter said she will be voting for the leading Democrat in the upcoming 2020 Presidential election.
“I thought the wall would be built by now, but Trump has let me down. The only thing I cared about was keeping Mexicans out of my neighborhood. But no, they are still here. I’ll support Socialism, the Green New Deal and war with North Korea before I’ll vote for the orange man again,” said Coulter in an exclusive interview with Mendaco Press.
(image credit Gage Skidmore, Peoria, AZ, US [CC BY-SA 2.0])
WASHINGTON – A leaked audio recording obtained by Mendaco Press appears to exhibit Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) revealing explicit feelings about President Trump.
“When he [Trump] walks in the room I just.. (sighs)… he drives me crazy. I reach out to shake his hand and I get all flustered… I just want… (inaudible)… ya know I just… just want him to take me right there,” said a voice in the audio recording which appears to be Speaker Pelosi.
Experts are currently examining the recording for authenticity.
(image credit US Department of Labor [Public domain])
DURHAM – In an interview on stage at Duke University last week, former White House chief of staff John Kelly, who left the administration in January, divulged details of his observations while serving in the Trump White House.
“I consider my time in the White House to be the most important job I’ve ever held, although it wasn’t my favorite. I did my best to provide the President with as much detailed information as possible. As far as media, President Trump preferred Fox News although he would watch MSNBC at times to keep him ‘motivated’. He would read the Wall Street Journal, New York Times and of course Mendaco Press,” said Kelly during the interview.
Kelly also indicated that he might have also accepted the job for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, had she won the 2016 presidential election and asked him to fill it.
(image credit Kuhlmann /MSC [CC BY 3.0])